Grieved by various trials

 

 

1 Peter 1:6-9  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,  whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.

 

"I love you brother. I will never leave you by yourself , Noah," our loving Marcos greeted his brother when arriving from the hospital.

The excessive puking began shortly after we began using the g-tube. It didn't take long after feedings before the smell of elecare formula filled the room. The odor penetrated my shirts and changing his clothes became a waste of time since he vomited often.

His feeding and medication schedule became demanding. The g tube was great for giving him all the medications he was on. Before the g-tube ,giving him all the meds seemed cruel. I hated the tube for so many reasons, but I knew it was what kept him alive.

6:00 am meds
8:45 am offer bottle
9:00 am meds and bolus the rest of the milk
11:45 am offer bottle
12:00 meds and bolus feed
2:45 pm offer bottle
3:00 meds and bolus feed                   *bolus: using syringe to push milk in to his tummy tube
5:45 pm offer bottle
6:00 pm meds and bolus feed
8:45 pm offer milk
9:00 meds and bolus feed
11:45 offer  milk
12:00 am meds and bolus feed
3:00 am bolus feed

This took a toll on me. After a month of this, his nephrologist made a change to his feedings. Allelujah!  We would feed him throughout the night as much as he could tolerate and feed whatever he wanted throughout the day. His day feedings were 3 times a day and he didn't drink more than 6 oz in a day. He couldnt tolerate more than 2 oz at a time and he never cried for food. I would offer throughout the day and many times he would vomit when putting nipple in his bottle. At other times, showing him the bottle was enough to make him puke. And, other times all I had to say was "titi" ( spanish slang for bottle) before the puke fest began.

The vomiting continued up until he almost turned a year old. He would wake up around 5:00 am throwing up. It was difficult to see my son vomit so much and harder when I explained to other parents and they tried offering advice that absolutely made no sense. I learned later that many children with kidney issues have throuble eating and many of them will depend on a g-tube all their lives.

He didn't gain much weight or grew much either. The constant remarks on his  'teenie weenie ' size made me bitter. I hated that at 6 months of age people thought he was 3 months. I hated that as other mommas and their children enjoyed meal time, I had to be on high alert with every meal prepared for the moment he would throw up. I hated that as other mommas complained about heavy babies, my anxiety arose as we approached the baby scale knowing that he was below the zero percentile on the stupid growth chart.  I hated that as other mommas complained about being bored at home, my child had visits with 6 different Dr.s and was tested often.  I resented other women so much. What had I done to have caused such pain to my son? I wondered if God loved me. I prayed for him to show me he still cared.